These presentations are part of a twelve part course available on three DVD’s. The entire class can be purchased here. For additional information about Jeff VanVonderen visit his web site at www.jeffvanvonderen.com.
Session 1: Understanding Shame [ 44 min ]
Session 2: Shame and Systems [ 32 min ]
Session 3: Shame Based Family Systems [ 33 min ]
Session 4: When Shame is the Name of the Game [ 32 min ]
Everyone is quick to point out how much they hate being shamed but it rarely provides an automatic insight to help us not act as shamers. Shame is sneaky and shows up sporting a bunch of different looks. It can be kind of punky, aggressive and direct – attacks on others’ looks, character, ethnicity, etc. It can hide out in silence – when we fail to speak up against wrongdoing. It can really go stealth and try to mask itself as righteousness. It can go underground and manifest as a critical voice in our heads. It can develop strength and stamina for running and keep us from living our one wild and wonderful life. Shame has mad skills of disguise.
When the group met to discuss the problem with their recovery ministry shame was in play big time. The Senior Pastor looked serious and stern, but he was playing a game on his ipad. The Care Minister was extremely emotional, crying and sobbing when discussion arose about staff termination. The Missions Minister muttered that there was too much estrogen on display for the team to get much accomplished. And the content of the discussion? Wowser. Brutal. All of it. Every stitch of it was completely unproductive. Eventually people wore out or grew so frustrated that an uneasy silence emerged. Soon folks were stirring as if waking from a nap. Catching sight of me and our team the Senior Pastor suggested without much enthusiasm, “I guess maybe you should offer a couple suggestions for us to consider.”
“Glad to.” I said. And I asked them to turn in their bibles to this:
Everyone has heard that there is sexual immorality among you. This is a type of immorality that isn’t even heard of among the Gentiles – a man is having sex with his father’s wife! And you’re proud of yourselves instead of being so upset that the one who did this thing is expelled from your community.
1 Corinthians 5:1-2
Next time I will continue the discussion on shame, but today do me a favor. Read these verses as if you’ve never seen them before and see what you notice.
Presenter: Jeff VanVonderen
These presentations are part of a twelve part course available on three DVD’s. The entire class can be purchased here. For additional information about Jeff Vanvonderen visit his web site at www.jeffvanvonderen.com.
The integrative model for recovery from abuse assumes that ‘the problem’ is primarily inside the abused person. Makes sense. This assumption underlies most therapeutic strategies for recovery from abuse.
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by Juanita Ryan
Children are some of our best teachers. They teach us, experientially, to open our hearts. To give of ourselves. To seek wisdom. To set limits. To embrace. To let go. Children never stop teaching us. But as with most of life, the greatest lessons often seem to come during the toughest times.
The year our oldest son dropped out of high school and became an addict was a very dark and difficult year for us. It was also a time of deeper exposure to life’s most important lessons. I didn’t fully realize it until much later, but it was during that anguished time that our son taught me a greater understanding of humility, honesty, courage, trust and grace. (more…)
Shame and Spiritual Abuse
Last week I had a consulting gig at a church that had a recovery ministry blow up in grand fashion. Lack of leadership accountability, no small doses of codependency and maybe, perhaps, possibly a tiny bit of grandiose thinking and arrogance on the part of the church team that swooped in to clean up the debacle — all of this was stymying the work of restoration. And I haven’t even gotten to the part of what actually went down within the recovery ministry that caused the crash and burn!
As I sat around the table listening to the various perspectives represented – the church staff, the recovery ministry team, the church’s human resources department and its legal team, man, I just wanted a good cup of coffee and some headphones. It was brutal. Mostly the conversation focused on the religious beliefs of the congregation that they felt the recovery ministry leadership had disrespected. They were mad. While all this conversation swirled, the lead pastor, sitting on my left played on his ipad. I was a bit envious and wished I too could pull up my solitaire game. Sometimes it is hard to stay present for suffering.
As the contention gathered steam I felt like I had acquired an invisibility cloak and was stuck in the middle of a family drama. Folks forgot that they were there to share their story with my team; they were too busy picking each other off with their verbal long rifles. I opened up my bible and reminded myself of another time when a church had to deal with sexual immorality…
Everyone has heard that there is sexual immorality among you. This is a type of immorality that isn’t even heard of among the Gentiles – a man is having sex with his father’s wife! And you’re proud of yourselves instead of being so upset that the one who did this thing is expelled from your community.
1 Corinthians 5:1-2
Let’s talk banishment. To be continued….
by Carmen Renee Berry
“You’ve taken this recovery thing much too far,” her angry words cut through me like a knife.
(more…)Forget the Shame
Isaiah 54:4-5: “Do not be afraid; …You will forget the shame of your youth” (v.4).
“We think that by ‘doing it right’, we will get rid of the shame,” observed psychologist Carol Travilla.
Some of us may be motivated to perfectionism by our toxic shame — the shame of making a mistake; saying the wrong thing; having an unproductive day; mispronouncing a word; gaining weight; not understanding directions, experiencing fatigue; wearing an inappropriate outfit; adding up the checkbook incorrectly; expressing a differing opinion; feeling disappointment; praying the wrong words; wanting to be alone; wanting to be with someone; needing to feel secure.
The inner message we hear is: “Shame on you! You are needy. You are human.” It’s fake guilt; and it’s poisonous. We may attempt to avoid feeling the ache of the shame by denying it matters; working longer hours, or trying to do “everything right.” But we don’t have to be hooked into listening to these self-defeating messages. God wants to release us from the overwhelming burden of perfectionism. We can forget the false shame and relax. God knows our human needs and he accepts and likes us anyway.
Lord, teach me the difference
between healthy guilt and toxic shame.
Copyright Joan C. Webb
For more from Joan Webb visit www.joancwebb.com
by Marnie Ferree
While most people tend to assume that sexual addiction is a problem only for men, the evidence suggests the contrary. Addictions, all addictions, are pretty much equal opportunity diseases. And sexual addiction is no exception.
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by Juanita Ryan